Looking for a few good quotes to spiff up my goodreads profile (a site where you can keep track of the books you read, hook up with friends who also like reading, and discover lot of great stuff to read in doing so), I came across this one by Groucho Marx:

Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it’s too dark to read.

He cracks me up every time. In Retrospect, mankind would be looked at as a bunch of humourless twats sitting about looking stupid and grim, hadn’t it been for Groucho. Here’s a few genius ones (not all by him, he had great textwriters too):

  • Marriage is a wonderful institution…but who wants to live in an institution?
  • Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.
  • There’s one thing I always wanted to do before I quit…retire!
  • Either he’s dead or my watch has stopped.
  • From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.
  • How do you feel about women’s rights ? I like either side of them.
  • I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.
  • I sent the club a wire stating "Please accept my resignation. I don’t want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member."
  • I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it
  • Marriage is a wonderful institution…but who wants to live in an institution?
  • Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.
  • Those are my principles. If you don’t like them I have others.
  • Why should I care about posterity? What’s posterity ever done for me?
  • Why don’t you go home to your wife? Better yet, I’ll go home to your wife, and outside of the improvement, she won’t notice any difference.
  • I’m not feeling very well – I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course.

And of course my life motto:

Whatever it is, I’m against it!

More Groucho quotes, quotations, wikiquotes and such

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